[

mood

|

exhausted

]

Yeah, I don't use this much anymore...oh well.

What's new? I, on a whim, decided it would be fun to undertake the huge responsability of the stage manager...For Little Shop...oh dear God. Working in the theatre is like owning a puppy. You want to get the puppy and can't and then finally, you get a puppy. You love the puppy. You watch it grow and yell at it when it pees on the carpet. You love it untill it inevitably dies. It's ok, you'll get a new puppy. So you get the new puppy and you think 'why do I need another puppy, I'm too tired, can't afford it and don't have the time.' But then, you learn to love that puppy and watch it grow and get old and die. So in the end all you have is a bunch of dead puppies. Ok, so maybe that's not really what it's like, I mean actor's don't usually pee on the carpet, but still, you get the point.

[

mood

|

blah

]

I accidently over dosed on concerta...

My heart rate doubled and I ached and my head felt detached and I haven't eaten in two days because I haven't been hungry.

This is bad...Damn time release capsules. I didn't go to school today, I had a fever, he thought I had the flu untill I told him what happened. My head hurts, I want to sleep but I think to much. I have two performance thingies tomorrow...whoa. One for german (at some concert)

I think I'm going to force myself to eat some soup. Yeah. Then maybe get some homework done.


Just as I entered this He came home. He handed me a glass of coconut juice...From a can. It tasted like aluminum. The ramen tasted strange too. Though, I appriciate it. It shows that he really cares about my welfare. He brought me brightly colored rice cakes that we ate togetherone day before driving Kimberly home. They tasted fine. Sometimes I wonder if that's all we have in common, indonesia. But hey, I guess it's how he shows he loves me.

[

mood

|

Pensive and Ponder

]

I think I've lost hope in humanity, and no it's not the rain.

Don't you find the self rightous people that lead this world with a puritainistic aproach anoying? We aren't a bleeding theocracy...DEAL!

I don't think we should wake up every day and say "It's going to be a beautiful day!" If we do that, we set ourselves up for disapointment. And If we expect today to be horrid, then it will inevitably be so. Take life as it comes and don't expect anything, for whatever happens will be unexpected.

Life shouldn't be filled with one emotion. Life should be sampled and experienced. Don't force any emotion. Don't be eternally happy, for life will never mimic that, don't be gloomy, for life is what you make of it.

You're life is yours to create. I keep hearing theories of what happens when we die. "Our true purpose is only known in death." "There is no afterlife, there is no God, there is only man and his mind, and that is capable of all things." "God's purpose for us is our life's vocation." Okay, so if there is a great afterlife...and our true purpose if fulfilled there, what would this life be? We can't merely give up on life can we? People think too highly of themselves, we are not all powerful, even the right wing religious fanatics think themselves above God. No? Then why do they think that it is in their place to judge man, or to wage war for God? It's absurd isn't it? The worker bees whirling around a hive following orders, caught in the eternal trap of conform, consume, obey. Not one of use can break free of it can we? Or can we?

If there is a heaven, a place where our souls go, where wrongs are righted and justice pursued, then would it not be our duty to work for justice too. Justice, not revenge. Freedom, not domination. "Freedom has to come from within, yes it does, not with a gun. Freedom's the ability to feel love for everyone."

Thank you Mason Jennings

Say what you mean
Do what you say

Be little ones, right or wrong, hateful or loving, It doesn't matter. Life is what matters now, life alone. The world is ending and we gab about who shall wear the mask as they drop the axe on humanitie's head.

YES!
No way out!
YES!
We are coming to and end!
YES!

But wait, how can I be so excited? Because, If I truely believed that we were going to die soon, I would cower like the rest of us. Cower behind the media, behind things, behind the perfect score or the perfect body. Is that what life is really about?

You can not alter your fate, but you can rise to meet it if you choose. Yes, that is air in your lungs. Why do you waste it on babble about shoes and politicians. Damn it.

I'm just tired of people that talk and say nothing.
I just want to be able to talk and mean something wonderful.

Over and out.

[

mood

|

what?

]

I feel like I'm outside of myself.
The same way I felt yesterday after driving downtown and back for no reason. And then I called her and heard her leave the house without picking up. I completely forgot that I was on the phone, and forgot how strange that event was.
I stumbled across napia's live journal...I feel really guilty. Phil's an ass...I shouldn't have been such a pushover. Next time men are asses to their girlfriends and decide to hit on me I'll knee him in the balls. But you know what? This is a new life. But I still feel guilty...

I was always kind of hoping I would wake up and still be a modest and nieve child and be able to crawl up to my parents and talk to them. I still don't quite know how to live with dad. I don't want to fight though.

I want to write but I can't find the energy

I want to do a lot but can't find the time

I want...I want
GAH Who cares what I want? I should be working on what everyone else wants.
I've pretty much reached my plateau

[

mood

|

giddy

]

It is jean's birthday.
Jean has put lots of chemicals into her that make her not want to sleep.

HAHA FOOLED YOU
I've just had a cappicino, some green tea and a tripple espresso. Not to mention orange juice and champagne (skrewdriver?) at the party.

My conversation with jay.
Me: Hey punch kind of. Can I have some?
Dad: Are you going to drive home?
Me: no.
Dad: Okay, I'll just have orange juice then.
Me: mmmmmmmmm.

Also, rehearsals be a BLAST.
I try and convence my "husband" to buy me three bottles of expensive wine, he glowers at me while paying the wine merchent. I take his arm and rush him somewhere. Then for some reason, we come back on stage and start dancing and singing. Fezziwigs party is going to be strange. We do-si-do. As of yet I have no solos or speaking parts, but I do get to look pretty while being one of the firsts on stage and singing the first nowell. So what, I'm still really excited. I danced and sung for three hours straight today. I miss Leach Theatre, they're equpment isn't ancient. This is good.

I keep getting gifts from extended family. I'd rather have them here though. Oh CHEEZE!!!!

It's time to sleep. Jean has to get up at 6:30, even though that's later then weekdays...but STILL, get up and play bass.

I wish mom was here to celebrate with me though...
this sucks.
I love you all.
my eyes are blurring..

[

mood

|

busy

]

I had a semi nervous breakdown around 5:15 am. I also stared into space the majority of the time, missed a dance class, and when I tried to stand and have a conversation with Joe, my legs kept shaking. But then I came home, and things got better.

I found a package in the mail from Tal. Pirated software abounds! And an e-mail from (guess who) Tal. Then I collapsed and slept for a good while. Upon waking I got a phone call from (guess who) no, not Tal, that'd be strange...From the people I auditioned for yesterday. I got a call back. Unfortunately, the call back's on saturday at 1:00 and Joe invited me to a screening of the original Star Wars Trilogy at noon. So I might make it for the second half of of the second movie. Oh well.

I'm also going to the psychologist tomorrow after school instead of D&D, and am wondering which one will be better for my sanity.

*sigh*

I'm a dork. I also need to stop crying so much...or maybe I should cry so much...? I don't know, it's hard to focus on literary terms used in a Shakespearian sonnet when you have tears in your eyes. I also have a WHOLE LOT of research to do over the collective unconsciousness. Hopefully after this weekend I'll be caught up.

[

mood

|

confused

]

wow...a lot's happened since I last posted

1) My mother died

I can't really say how I feel about that yet. They say it's like a big gaping hole, but it's worse. Sometimes I find myself thinking "I don't know what to do, I should ask mom" and then realizing it's not a possibility. my body can't decide if it wants to ache, or expend a lot of energy. I want to dance, I want to cry. I don't know what I want. But I do know that it's time to stop mourning her death and start celebrating her life.

2) My best friend attempted suicide

3) My other best friend has an eating disorder

I want to talk to them about it, but I don't want to alienate them. Because I didn't hear it from them, I don't want to accuse them of things that might not be the whole truth. Perhaps, because I have trouble sharing my problems with people, they didn't think they could talk to me about it?

Everything I say sounds adolescent. It's things like this that show me where I really stand. That place is nowhere.

"Nowhere man,
please listen.
You don't know
what you're missin'
the world is at your command"

maybe, one day, I can tell people what I really feel...

[

mood

|

morose

]

What do I do now that she's gone?

I never thought it would actually happen.

[

mood

|

sore

]

"The choice was your's and no one else's
You can cry for a body in despair
Hang your head because she is no longer there
To shine, or dazzle, or betray.
How she lived, how she shined
But how soon the lights were gone"
-From the musical "Evita"

She once told me she loved this musical, and so when it came on TV today I watched it. I knew the opening numbers and sang along, even danced, though alone and in the dark. And every time I've watched that musical I always zoned out toward the end, with no real understanding of what was going on. That was back when the word "cancer" meant something entirely different. And now, I see something I never thought was there...It's as if she knew that's how she was going to die; Dazzling until eventually, with no strength left, she fades. What can I do to see her as she once was, and not like this, not a fading star?

[

mood

|

lonely

]

At times there is just nothing to say, but to wisper the most universal phrase as you leave the room quiet as a dourmouse.
"I love you" I say
And in the corner of the room I hear a morphine induced slure that might just be "I love you too"

[

mood

|

discontent

]

What have I done? Everything I do only messes something else up. I'm tired of blaming it on the human condition.